An Emotionally Abusive woman.
As women we love to support our friends/family going through difficulties and of course, how much more during a divorce! But are we really helping them; how can we see if we aren’t?
It’s natural to want to give advice to our “friends going through divorce”, but we need to ensure we are modelling healthy and honest support that isn’t, “slanted to one side or the other”.
Integrity, honesty and compassion must be the premise launching our advice to ensure BOTH sides are being treated fairly. If not, it can become ugly fast and the children will suffer immediately, regardless of their ages.
In dealing with your friend/ or helping others, the word to listen for which is a Big RED FLAG is the word, “ENTITLED”!
As soon as that word comes out of a woman’s mouth, she is on the wrong path and nothing but negative processes will follow.
Emotionally healthy people don’t control the behavior or choices of others, but we MUST make sure we aren’t being caught up in drama. This time period which is charged with emotion, needs steady, calm and logical thinking on the part of a “good friend/adviser” that can step back from the anger and helps promote a “win-win” for everyone, especially the kids. In fact, you will know if you have helped and she is on the right track if the relationships with both parents are in tact, during and after the divorce process.
Although men can be just as guilty, I am addressing women here and challenging all of us to rise up to a higher standard with what I like to call, “relationship ending conduct”.
I have learned over the years how difficult this process is, but it takes maturity and growth and these are NOT readily available in an emotionally charged situation. We don’t want to have regrets on how we should have done things from the start, so please heed this advice.
Sometimes, I have had the sad experience of being unable to support a close friend/family member, when destructive, manipulative and dishonest methods of ending a relationship were in play. I have often stepped back and let them know, kindly, that until they are ready to be fair and honest, I can’t be a part of their actions and can’t provide my support. Sometimes it has taken years before they were willing to recognize their mistakes. I find it interesting that we would never dream of speaking to a stranger they way we speak to our ex’s but we somehow think we are justified.
May I say at this time, WHATEVER comes out of YOUR, MOUTH OR YOUR ACTIONS at ANYTIME, is a reflection of what is INSIDE YOU and the ugliness that is there. NO ONE can make you respond a certain way. If that were the case, and people could control your responses, I am sure they would have opted for a kinder, gentler you!
Time will tell in the end what your friend, family member is “really like”.
There is an old Proverb that says.. “correct a wise person and they will hear you; correct a self confident fool and they will hate you”.
Expecting some kind of resistant to change of thoughts is normal at first, but persistent and repeated negative behavior and poor choices, are telling you they are not interested in change and there is nothing you can do about it. If they want your support, but continue to do things destructively, they have made their choices. Love them from a distance, clearly and respectfully let them know you love them but can’t agree with how they are operating and that you will be there when they are willing to operate in a respectful and honest manner.
Don’t get self righteous, understand it’s hard for them, but don’t get involved any further.
PROTECTING THE KIDS from us!
Many years ago I coined a phrase and I have used it more often than I would like. “Protect others, even from yourself if necessary”.
Protecting the children from our own misguided thoughts and bitterness is one of the hardest things to do, especially if you feel you are”entitled”. Most “entitled” people have a “princess attitude” by nature and it’s the most immature state a human being can find themselves in.
If you have found yourself saying ” I have told the kids everything” regarding your breakdown in your relationship and have provided details about the other parent and it has created alienation, you are dead wrong!
If you have said, or thought “they have a right to know what you are like”, then you have potentially destroyed the relationship between that parent and the kids and you need to apologize to all of them immediately and get your kids into counseling for restoration, if possible!
Your relationship with your ex and it’s breakdown is between YOU and him ONLY! It has NOTHING to do with their parenting relationship.
Most women get this one wrong. They can’t separate the relationship between their spouse and the parenting roles they each play. They project the adult relationship dysfunction onto the relationship with the kids, making them the same. They often state, “you can’t divorce your kids, although you are divorcing me”. This is a BIG sign that they have completely confused and enmeshed their own feelings into the parenting relationship, treating the ex spouse as if he broke up with his kids too!! That is totally unhealthy and twisted and is already on a losing plane if those statements have come out of your/her mouth!
No one has the right to destroy a relationship between another parent and contribute to the demise, nor to manipulate the children into being sympathetic with you. If your children have “taken sides” and alienated the other parent, and you are coming across as their hero, you have made a terrible mistake and have harmed your children!
If you don’t own your mistake and address your error to them it will come back to haunt you later.
Alienation of Children:
“A state that when a parent shares intensely negative emotions and comments with a child about the other parent –it leads the child to resisting contact with that other parent.”
Family law professionals admonish parents all the time to avoid making disparaging remarks about the other parent in the presence of the child. The irony is that parents who criticize each other in the presence of the child don’t think they are acting badly. They think they are acting in a protective manner. . Source: http://www.mediate.com/articles/eddyB6.cfm
ARE YOU THIS WOMAN or IS SHE YOUR FRIEND??
BEFORE you support your ” friend” going through a divorce.. read this article! This was written by a female psychologist who isn’t afraid to address the unhealthy behaviors that we have come to think is normal in women !
THE HIGH CONFLICT INDIVIDUAL…Other wise known as ” A SENSE of ENTITLEMENT (or Princess like behavior)
Many men who are going through a divorce with a high-conflict (HCP) and/or abusive personality disordered wife think that giving her everything, appeasing her or making concession after concession will satisfy her and expedite the divorce process. This is usually a mistake. A big one. see: (APDI; e.g., Histrionic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder)
Men who make this mistake are often tired of the conflict and the needless delays and roadblocks that HCPs and APDIs engage in during divorce. Typically, HCPs want the conflict to just go on and on and on, while their worn out exes just want to get on with life. This is when men are at the greatest risk of entering what divorce attorney, David T. Pisarra, of Men’s Family Law calls the Danger Zone.
The Danger Zone is how Mr Pisarra refers to the learned “give-her-whatever-she-wants-to-make-the-conflict-stop” behavior of men who have been been married to abusive women. Mr Pisarra knows his client has entered the Danger Zone when he hears the following phrase of resignation: “I just want out.” In Welcome to the Danger Zone, Mr Pisarra states that when he hears a client utter these four words, he knows:
That’s it. That’s all it takes for me to know that I have a client who is about to sign his life away. I’ve seen it hundreds of times. She works him over emotionally for months, in some cases, for years. By the time he’s in my office, he’s lost birthdays, holidays, countless weekends and midweek dinners with his kids. He’s answered hundreds of inane questions, and produced mountains of financial documents.
It’s at this point, when he’s reached the end of his emotional rope, where he makes spectacularly bad decisions. He will agree to a lifetime of non-modifiable spousal support and is as flexible to her as a pair of pantyhose.
“I just want out” is the dying refrain of a man in a divorce . . .
. . . Guiding a man through the “Danger Zone” is difficult, painful, and frequently frustrating. And oftentimes no matter how much I warn a client what may be in his future, many feel that it won’t happen to them. Maybe it’s a ‘guy” thing. The reality is that we all want to throw up our hands sometimes and scream, “Enough!” But in the all too frequently rough and tumble world of divorce, where words slice like daggers and false statements are often viewed as fact, that surrender flag a man waves can actually be the start of another battle.
I advise many of my clients in exactly the same way. Divorce doesn’t end after the papers are filed. Many of the choices men make or are pressured into making by their exes or disinterested divorce attorneys can adversely impact them and their children for years, decades and the rest of their lives. Therefore, agreeing to unreasonable demands in the present for the sake of expediency, can come back to bite you on the backside in the not so distant future.
A man’s seeming inability to stand up to his abusive ex is learned behavior. Men who have been in relationships with abusive women are conditioned to forsake their needs and rights and throw in the towel to keep the peace. The good news is that men can un-condition themselves. Helping men to firmly and finally say “NO” to their abusive wives, girlfriends and exes is a large part of the work I do with my clients.
Helping men define their boundaries and say “NO” is a major developmental milestone and a significant step in a man’s recovery from a controlling, abusive wife. “NO” is a boundary and an effective boundary provides a consequence for violating it. Your ex won’t like it and will probably become enraged, but that’s just too bad for her. Don’t let her adult version of the terrible two’s cow you into submission. Her rage and/or teary eyed tantrums are nothing more than a cheap control device and you don’t have to fall for it anymore — especially during divorce.
Let her pitch a tantrum. It will make her look like the out of control, unreasonable adult brat that she is. Don’t let her suck you into the vortex of Crazy when she does this. Remember, the calmer and cooler you remain, the more control you retain. If you allow her to suck you back into the Crazy, she gains the upper hand because Crazy gives her the home court advantage.
The Normal Rules of Behavior Do NOT Apply
Every man who is married to a crazy, abusive, controlling, high-conflict and/or personality-disordered wife needs to keep the following realities in mind:
- You did not marry a normal, reasonable person; therefore, you cannot deal with her as if she’s a normal, reasonable person.
- You did not marry a woman who is capable of compromise or fair mindedness, so don’t base your decisions on wishful thinking. Her goal is to make you suffer.
- Contrary to what your ex believes, it’s okay for you to say, “NO” to her. In fact, it’s not just okay for you to say, “NO,” it’s imperative for your future quality of life. If you can’t say, “No,” just yet; let your attorney do it for you.
- Most importantly, any kindness or generosity you show to your ex will be perceived as weakness by her. Remember, you are not dealing with a normal person. She won’t be grateful or see you as a “nice guy” for letting her have her way. She will see you as a chump.
- No matter how generous you are with her, she will still portray you as the villain and portray herself as the innocent victim/martyr, so do what’s best for you and your children in the long run. Trust me, having an impoverished, broken, unhappy father is not good for children.
The more you cede over to a HCP/APDI ex, the more emboldened she becomes to make even more outrageous demands, so don’t set this dangerous precedent. Most of the time, this kind of woman won’t stop until someone with authority makes her stop and/or unless you have the documentation to expose her bad behaviors. If you don’t think your attorney understands this or advises you to just acquiesce; consult with another attorney. If you’re going to acquiesce, it should be strategic and something you can afford to give away in order to get a bigger gain.
Once you agree to give your ex more than her fair share, she will see that as a green light to ask for more and continue to up the ante, so don’t do it. Figure out what your leverage is and then maximize it. Think of everything you consider agreeing to through the lens of long-term consequences and stay out of the Danger Zone.
P.S. Does anyone else hear the Kenny Loggins-Top Gun song every time you read “Danger Zone” or is it just me?
FINAL COMMENTS:
This article challenges us to deal with unhealthy behavior in anyone, in this case, women! This should also make us aware of how important it is to encourage our children to get along with BOTH parents during a divorce and not getting “heady and misguided’ about a sense of “entitlement.”
The only “rights” we have, are to do the right and loving thing for all around. We do this, using a foundation of honesty to start with! However, sometimes there are women who refuse help, stay in denial, create division, refuse to be financially and emotionally independent and lead their children into the same destructive pathways. And if they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they don’t’ let go of their ex’s even though the children are adults and they are in a new relationship!
Could this be you? You will know if you have an issue, if this article makes you angry as you read it and you fight back- if so, take a deep breath and be willing to admit it.. it’s the first sign of healthy thinking! !
Consider this if maybe you or someone you know shares this mindset of “Entitlement”! I may think I am entitled to a whole lot of things, but it doesn’t put me in a good light, rather it makes me look immature and demanding, much like a two year old who thinks the world should respond to his/her command.
This should not be the conduct or thinking of a mature, healthy woman.
One woman speaks….
As women, our beauty is in our compassion, kindness and fairness. The tables have certainly turned in the wrong direction. Time to bring back the balance. Women have gotten away with some nasty things and enough is enough!
I am currently working on a project that will allow alienated parents to sue for defamation of character when she/he alienates their children from their parent. This is an important process as family court is slow to recognize this kind of emotionally abusive woman (person) and there are plenty of them to go around…
