How does “Love” Get Lost? Understanding Divisions in Relationships

SILOUTETTEThe experience of “love lost” can leave hope that ” love found” is a possibility.  Candace 2015

If you are human and reading this, somewhere or somehow you will experience this life challenge -if you aren’t in the middle of it already!  Without oversimplifying or taking into consideration abusive situations,  falling “in” and “out” of love in relationships and including “love lost” between family members, friends. and others, seems inevitable and unavoidable.   For sure there are thousands of articles written by experts, incurable romantics,  and cynics on the mysteries of being in love one minute and out of it the next minute and why people seem to cross from one extreme of love to another.

I thought I would throw in my proverbial two cents!  I believe this can apply to all relationships that change in a “heartbeat”.   How can a husband who once loved his wife dearly, find himself “protecting”  himself from the very woman he once adored? How can wives, mothers, fathers, children and dear friends end up not speaking to each other?   Division is a disease! Its  a “cancer”  and it has all the same traits as physical “cancer”-   Cancer by rapidly dividing brings many other “otherwise” healthy cells (people) with it and and it happens emotionally and physically far too much!  Consider the term “projection”.

Beware in case a root of bitterness rises up inside of you and “defiles many”… (spreads like a cancer among all those you talk about it too) … Paul the Apostle

In a instant our feelings can change towards those that we interact with by what is going on “INSIDE” ourselves, not what’s happening  to us on the “OUTSIDE”.

It is 1000 % impossible for ANY human being to climb inside you and make you behave a certain way.  If bad behavior, forgiveness, hatred, division, and every other possible human feeling comes out of you while interacting with another, then “its coming out of you”!  No one can do ANYTHING outside of you to “bring out this bad stuff in you- unless it’s already IN there”!   Its a tough thing to face, but one that must be faced indeed. If I act unkind or mean, or cold towards another it’s because I have something inside of me that I believe in is happening (even if it isn’t) and I act as if what I believe is true and then I “project” that behavior onto another. This is the essence of “projection” – I’m not pretending to think it is happening but  at that critical emotional moment I am truly believing what I am projecting onto you is true!   I think it is truly happening and then I “act” on that truth by dividing myself against you.

According to Wikipedia the psychological term for “projection” is this: Psychological projection, also known as blame shifting, is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against unpleasant impulses by denying their existence in themselves, while attributing them to others.[1] For example, a person who is rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude.According to some research, the projection of one’s negative qualities onto others is a common process in everyday life.[2

not in love




I am sure we have all experienced shocking things said by people who don’t know us, or  think they do know us but are completely off base. Sadly we have been guilty of this ourselves! It is pretty easy for humans to do this and we are all capable of doing this.  Words are powerful and we have all been guilty of using them wrongly. On the receiving end, these things can happen either from us or to us as a result of projection.

The sad process for division by projection is understood in these 5 steps: 

1. Some kind of incident that triggers “maladaptive and emotionally immature thinking processes” (possibly triggered by a hurt that in the initial reaction is unable to be understood at the time, or threat to personal sense of emotional safety).

2. The inability on the person who is hurt to recognize their own heart change – again it’s  “in YOUR heart” and that is NOT attributed to the actions of the other person regardless of how you felt or you judged what you thought was happening. (emotional panic attack, makes you think something has happened when that is not exactly how the story goes).  Again,  no one can “change” you inside because if they could, wouldn’t they want to change your heart for good back to them so they can be close to you again?.

3. The refusal to question your OWN  change of heart, measured against what you believe just happened or is happening? (you don’t have enough accurate information to make decisions)

4. The pride that keeps your judgements alive without questioning your accuracy of judgement.

5. The emotional  immaturity that continues by not seeing the bigger picture.

Sadly, these are the steps that keep division alive. If we have the courage to truly look at ourselves, we have to admit that our “strongest” relationships are measured by our “weakest ones”. In other words,  if we have all kinds of divisions and then we think we have all kinds of “healthy loving relationships”  we are lying to ourselves.

We are only as strong as our weakest relationships…..  

As soon as the people you are with now do something to hurt you, you will end up acting exactly the same way to them at some point.  If you are capable of doing it to one person, you will do this to another until you see it and change.  This requires deep thinking and higher emotional intelligence. It’s a challenge for sure as we tend not to want to have to “work” on ourselves. We look for “false peace” and we run from relationship challenges that are intended for our growth. We want things to come easy and we don’t want to have to do the “work” of forgiveness or learn greater understanding.

For those of you who are sitting in the judgement of weak minded people who are continuing to “project”- hang in there. Keep your heart open and one day, someday, the scales will drop off.  I know its hard to wait, as memories and life which is so short and unpredictable continues on by. One day  they will truly “see ” that all this time, you always loved them and missed them dearly!   Just because they can’t believe it right now, doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.

Pray for the eyes of their understanding to be open and that they find healing for what is troubling them, so they can be healthy.   When they become secure enough to take a look inside and learn the lesson then they will no longer twist your attempts to reach out as some kind of manipulation. Their eyes will be clear and “see”  you for the real person you are.

To the pure, all things are pure….God 

This is why it is super important to stay open and forgiving, so that when they do return, you are ready and open in your heart to resume love! You can’t hold burning coals of un-forgiveness and judgement close to your heart without it burning you.

“Guard YOUR  heart with ALL diligence for out of it proceeds the issues of life”….. God

So if there are those of you who have experienced “my projection” I am truly and humbly sorry….. let’s eradicate this emotional cancer called division and find Love again!



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