I have had the privilege of witnessing one of the most powerful expressions of forgiveness I have seen in my life and I have seen many.
This story is so tender and so touching, that I am certain it will move you to think about the sorrow you may have experienced and to be able to find a way to move on perhaps from your own pain.
Although there are others who were a part of this heart-wrenching story, this point of view is from a daddy’s perspective. We are all very familiar with the perspective of a woman and a mother, as they are comfortable discussing such deep issues, but men are different in most cases.
With permission from the father, I share this story of healing and forgiveness in the hope that you, who read this, might understand forgiveness and the power in your hands to offer it.
There was a man, who many years ago, lost his precious little girl to an act of human error. She was beautiful, healthy, perfect and innocent. The complexity, tragedy of errors and human failure, became a “perfect storm” and resulted in the devastating loss of a precious first-born child. There is no reason this should have ever have happened. I am told, the pregnancy was perfect in every way right up until the day of the labor, and there were no concerns.
The father in this case, tells me he left the hospital believing that the baby died naturally. It was only when a short time later, someone provided enough information to compel questions about what had really happened. To his horror, the truth came out with facts that had been hidden, due to the fear of professional failure. They were simply afraid of being found out and tried to cover up the terrible disaster.
Fear is a terrible thing. It can crush, destroy and in this case, did more damage than anyone could ever comprehend.
One can only imagine the crushing pain, loss and betrayal experienced by this daddy and the others deeply affected, upon discovering the human error and cover-up.
Although deep compassion and care is extended to the mother as well for this devastating story, it is the father we focus on in this case, as we fully understand this from a woman’s point of view. For a man, this is different, it is deep and hidden.
As a man, for the most part, their natural instinct is to protect their child and their family from danger. With their great strength and dignity, there comes a confidence in knowing they can protect those they love from harm. To experience this tragedy and to blame one’s self for not being able to accomplish this basic fundamental task as a father, was emotionally devastating. He had no idea the impact on himself and his future belief in his ability to protect his family in the face of such crushing powerlessness.
For almost 25 years this man cried when he saw a baby, or child, or was repeatedly tormented in his sleep with dreams over and over. His dreams repeatedly showed the hand of the nurses laying down a chart with a vital strip that would have made all the difference in the world if had it have been attended to, as it should have.
This man recalls the amount of pain suffered as a result of the loss not only of the precious innocent one, but loss of natural imbedded trust that was violated. It was never to be returned until now.
The trust, broken deep within, on so many levels was exchanged for an overall experience of being under the control of fears and insecurities that were impossible to address in every aspect, until the time was right for healing. He suffered more than words can describe as he was the strong silent type. He had to buffer so much of the pain, yet still try and carry on and provide for a family he knew deep down, he had failed to protect. Although it was not his error, his pain showed up in failure and he blamed himself. How could he have not known? The natural instinct of a man to protect when experienced this way, can leave a man without effort, energy or hope. How can he trust himself ever again to protect what he had committed to do? He felt defeated, broken and was just a young man-starting out. Despite years of counseling and a commitment to trying, it was a failure and the healing never came. It would take years before this pain would ever be resolved.
Along his journey, at one time, because of this deep wound, his failure to understand it, and the fears of someone close to him, he was cruelly forced into a position to have his precious baby daughter’s memory used as a tool against him. The intention was understood to be that of a desperate and fearful person trying to comfort their own fears and hurt, and used his precious daughter’s memory as a litmus test for truth.
When confronted by a situation, as a result of his own failures, he was shocked by the request and was unable to respond in a way that gave the person what they were seeking. To try and recover from the tragic loss so many years before and now have this desperate method to expose “truth” and to use the death of a child to hold another person emotionally hostage, is cruelty at it worst. This person was seeking their comfort because of fears and insecurities and nothing good could have ever come out of it. It wasn’t the right method and naturally he failed the test.
How could anyone pass this test? It was the core of his pain, his precious baby lost and children and they were being used to “trap him”, all to make another person feel safe. How could anyone do that to another, for the sake of their own safety? In this story, we maybe can understand although wrong, how we as humans use desperate measures to protect ourselves without counting the cost.
We as people are weak, every one of us. We all do things that are wrong when we don’t know how to handle our pain.
After years of agony, continuing losses and being cruelly misunderstood for years and no one ever really understanding his own pain, this man had emotionally had enough. His heavy and broken heart began to cry out for freedom from years of pain and hurt. The journey was going to be long and more rejection and more suffering and misunderstanding and accusations were going to come, and they did. Thoughtless and cold hardness of heart, born out of inherited ignorance and fear, became his experience as he sought to find relief from the pain. He sought to be understood, hoped and wished that his pain and hurt was acceptable to those that professed to love him. His pain manifested in ways misunderstood by those blinded by their own judgments of what and how they thought he should express his pain. They did not understand, that brokenness inside of someone is expressed uniquely and they added to his pain and hurt. He was crushed by judgments over weight gained through sorrow and told he was fat and lazy. They couldn’t see his broken heart and his hurt was too deep to tell them.
They laughed at him for crying over silly things, not realizing the pain was trying to find its way out. They demanded he provide for them financially, letting him feel that his only worth was what he could give them, yet couldn’t see the human being they were using and crushing with their judgment.
All of this, because they felt superior and they judged the pain of another. He endured, with a broken heart and yet, instead of giving up, he found a way to try and come out of the dark cloud of judgment and rejection, and he fought on; he needed to find his peace, with or without the love of his family.
It was their problem to learn to love and humble themselves and learn how pain manifests in others, their growing up was not his problem anymore. All he could do what stand at a distance and quietly hope they would one day want to hear.
As he pressed on always trying to climb out from under the acute suffering accelerated by selfish people, the day came for his life to change.
Out of the ashes of pain, not so long ago, this man had a dream. He woke up from the dream with tears pouring down his face and voiced the message he had heard in his dream. He dreamed he was in a coffee shop with the doctor that was in charge of the pregnancy all those many years ago. He knew from the devastating investigation that it was clearly nursing and hospital procedural error, but this man, like many of us do, needed to blame someone and he had held the doctor responsible. In his mind after all, the doctor was “captain” of the ship that day and his devastation blinded him. The fingers pointing of blame were strong and certain, not easily letting go, until that night.
This life changing night, this dream, was sent to free him, to tell him of something different. In this dream he saw himself telling the doctor, “it’s not your fault, I forgive you”. He woke up crying. Something was new, something different.
He had to find the doctor. Doubts and fears surrounding him and from his years of rejection but he fought past it and found the courage to go to the effort of finding her and called the Dr’s office. At first, the office staff were guarded, not sure of his intentions. Strangely, the receptionist had just recently heard the story the week before from the doctor herself after all these years. Was this a coincidence or was this a confirmation that hope was on its way?
After almost 25 years, this man and the doctor met. They were both afraid, but knew life had brought them to this place. He told her of his dream and through sobs of heartache and pain kept in for so many years, he finally released the words needing to be understood and expressed, ” I forgive you, it was not your fault, you are free, I release you”.
The doctor, moved with emotion and the release of years of heartache, broke down and together, they closed a chapter in history.
There are many lessons and yet the most profound here is that truth sets free. If truth had been released long ago, it would have brought healing. Truth always shows compassion, it always wants to learn more and doesn’t settle at anger and judgment. That isn’t truth, it was pieces of facts without understanding and was caged in by insecurity. Frankly speaking, it reflects a lack of emotional intelligence.
The wisdom found in this story, in the midst of excruciating sorrow and fear, is that we hear or experience things, and we believe what we hear and see, and it sounds and feels like the truth, is not always as it seems. He thought he believed “truth” but it was incomplete, perhaps much like yours is. If there is separation and division, your “truth” is incomplete and frankly speaking wrong and destructive.
Healing did not take place for years because he just didn’t’ have the “truth” and neither did those who professed to love him. Yet, he has now experienced forgiveness, offering it and he understands and extends it all to those who have contributed to the pain. Unchecked pain, left such a huge mess in the lives of many, including his.
Those who believed the pieces of truth they thought they had, without understanding, continue to add to his sorrow, but he learns to forgive daily, knowing that they don’t have the truth either.
Not everyone wants truth and sometimes they are not ready…. he waits for the day when others will want to see love and when they do, he will be ready.
Truth, real truth is much more than facts. It is the whole picture of all that happens, the hearts and intentions of those involved and an understanding and compassion that is rarely present except in the hearts of those who know.
There is an old proverb that says, “knowledge (facts) puffs (makes you proud and think you are right) but understanding (knowing and seeing and understanding the hearts of all involved) brings life”.
Knowledge, in this case means, information. For sure, cold hard facts were present; they failed to bring about any kind of comprehension or understanding that would bring about the necessary compassion and release, all those many years ago.
The lack of wise counselors or correct help was evident.
No one blames the person who has experienced this kind of loss, as the pain is excruciating. But after a while, effective counseling and compassionate care could ensure that there is full healing. Very few know how to bring this about, and it’s not a common strength with counselors.
Most of us accept “facts” as truth. But we have to know that “truth” does not divide, but brings wholeness.
Pieces of “truth” coupled with wrong beliefs, divide and never bring the desired result.
This man had the opportunity to experience what it was like to hold power over someone because of “facts” or “truth” and yet had not found healing until now. He found the heart to be willing to open himself to “truth” and to release. When he did just that, he simply found another human, broken and devastated and extended the hand of healing.
Oh the things we could learn if we only let go and open our hearts to “real truth”…….
L, J, K, – Love, joy, kindness- pass it on,
Candace
